XENU DOESN'T WANT ME FOR A SUNBEAM

People have been sending treasures to my home.  Some of which I traded hash cookies for in return.

A sense of displacement occurs whenever I receive a gift.  I sort of panic a little and my mind thinks, "you're a piece of shit who deserves nothing."  Then I try to convince myself to accept nothing and be content.

I am content with nothing.  Seriously.  But I do appreciate gifts. 

It's difficult for me to just accept blind gifts though.  I feel better about accepting something if I give something to the person first, which is a monumental step for me. 

No shit.

Back in 2008, I did this thing on my blog where I gave away copies of books written by internet writers.  Each month a new author.  The only requirement for getting a book was to email me.

What I didn't tell people was that I was on unemployment, not paying rent and showering in cold water because I couldn't afford to pay the delinquent gas bill.

My depressed logic for doing the giveaway centered around the idea that other people felt deep loneliness, like I did, and maybe words in books would alleviate the feeling momentarily, which was an exponentially better use of the money than spending it on myself.

Most of the authors were appreciative of what I was doing.  A couple acted like selfish douche nozzles but those two always act like that: 'unsuprising'.

Those who received the free books were really appreciative too.

A lot of people, authors and book winners, wanted to send a small thank you, usually a book, back to me.  I immediately shot everyone down without stating a reason, which I think made people think I was a dick.

I wasn't being a dick.  Just felt severe hatred towards myself and the idea of receiving anything from anyone felt psychologically crushing. 

Try to imagine a 90 lb japanese girl swallowing 45 lbs of semen in one protracted gulp.  That's how I felt.

I'm sorry for potentially hurting people's feelings.

My blunder.

Anyways, like I said, accepting gifts is a huge change for me, even if I am exchanging hash cookies for those gifts.

Recently I received some art from Sam Pink and Tony Arnold, and wish beads with a hand-written instructional from Rachel-Noel, aka Raye.  Raye also sent some cookies and candied applies she made but those things are fucking long gone.

No body no crime sort of gone.

Thank you Sam, Tony and Raye for sending packages to my apartment.

Here is a picture of the treasures:

Totally down to exchange more things for things.  Email me if you feel like it.