MOTHER TOMORROW KEPT ME IN A JAR UNDER HER SINK

Frank Sinatra spoke the words "I'm losing it" once. A few seconds later he died in a hospital bed. I don't know the affect of his voice because I wasn't there. I only read about it. The gamut of my childhood was spent thinking about death. 24 hours of death. Even in dreams; death. There were band-aid distractions. Like Street Fighter II, comic books and movie hopping on saturdays. The distractions weren't very effective though. Every thought in my mind was somehow linked to the concept of dying. I felt like I was staring at the ceiling in a room full of naked men who were aggressively rubbing their dickheads while watching me. I read that Zen monks have something called a death poem. The monks declare their future expiration date years in advance and are accurate to the day. On the day of their projected death they recite or paint a poem their entire life was used to compose. Then they die, usually while standing or sitting. I've been working on a death poem, too. A few years ago a doctor powered off a life support unit. It took only a button press. My grandmother's hand went purple while I held it in my hand. I cried really hard and repeated the words, "I miss my granny," when she stopped existing. Her death poem was "I want a cigarette." Maybe not. I don't know. Those were the last words she spoke to me before going comatose. A lot of my life has been spent fantasizing about dying. Always a quick and violent completion, stupid and romantic. The truth is death isn't majestic. I'm not a zebra being hunted by lions. I'm a pathetic human who's a protracted failure. When a person feels alienated and depressed there is solace knowing others who are alienated and depressed. Not because their sadness is mutual, but because of an intimacy with a feeling most humans don't understand or know. But when a person ceases being alienated and depressed the connection stops. They become whole and isolate themselves from everyone. Sometimes I feel like walking out my apartment door during an early morning to disappear. Not because I'm feeling angry, sad or selfish. More like a desire to help the people in my life become stronger.