HAVING A STARING CONTEST WITH A HEADBUTT

Me: Which powerpuff girl is your favorite?

Gena: They are all kind of cunts.

Me:  I know!... that's why they're hot.

KISSES ARE SWASTIKAS IN THE EYES OF A NEGLECTED TURNSTYLE

The three people who read my blog may remember the guest post I did over at TV Snorted My Brain.  I was given an opportunity tonight to make a cameo on the show I reviewed (ex-wives of buttrock).

As much fun as hanging around a bunch of lamedicks sounds, I declined.  Television is fucking retarded like Shaq's rapping career.  Just not interested.

I will be going to the after party thing at some night club where the cameras won't be.

Maybe tonight an aggressive-homosexual armo will dose my water with GHB, then i'll be kidnapped and used as a fuck toy before my lungs are stabbed by a broken hooka.

What most likely will happen is a handful of hairless bros will tell me in a drunken stupor how much they like/love my beard while forcing my hand to touch their hand.

One thing is for certain, i'll get a series of dirty looks from women for no apparent reason other than I glanced in their general direction.

I love it when they do that.  Makes me feel validated as a scumbag human being.

Hell yeah.

PLAYING DING-DONG-DIRT-NAP IN THE CEMETERY OF BROKEN ORGASMS

Keep thinking at some point in the future a decision will have to be made: flame thrower or jet pack.

80 POUNDS OF GLITTER IN A 5 POUND BAG

THINK OF A COMA AS A TIME MACHINE FOR THE BRAIN

The interesting/potentially tragic/ha-ha-hilarious/fucked part of having a progressing "unknown" illness is that, in my heart, I know, at some point, my life will come down to a gamble: either death or near death.

I keep imagining myself on an operating room table, heart stopped, a doctor rubbing difibrillator paddles above my corpse.

Looking down at me.

Slightly confused.

Noticing I'm a white male in my thrirties.

With:

  Missing teeth.

  A chest tattoo.

  Small hands.

  Uneven moustache.

  Faded black shorts.

Then a nurse cupping a hand over her mouth and whispering to his ear, "he doesn't have insurance."

The doctor staring, undecided.

The nurse cupping her hand again to her mouth, whispering, "he's accomplished nothing."

The doctor tilting his head slightly sideways.

An EMT yawning, then checking the Lakers score on his iPhone.

The nurse cupping another whisper.

"Nobody likes him."

The doctor mussing his hair with a difib paddle.

Slightly disgusted.

The left side of his lips curling upwards.

Sneering.

Really sneering.

Not completely decided though.

Then the nurse rolling her eyes, pointing at the body while saying, "...he's mean."

Everyone but me going home to watch 2Chainz perform on SNL.

Everyone loving it.

Just motherfucking loving it.

WHEN THE REAPER COMES I'LL BE WEARING A PARTY HAT

The fact you ignore me because of a dearth of perceived value is precisely the value I cherish.

PLAYING JENGA TOGETHER IS MY CLEVER RUSE TO HEAR YOUR CONSENTING SCREAM

GOING DEEP ON THE MAYONNAISE CRUMBS

Each time I drive by a Chipotle I scream DIARRHEA at the people eating at the outside tables.  I encourage others to do the same.

OH YEAH, BY THE WAY, NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT DEATH

Hollywood is magical.  It's the only place where you can stumble over a homeless person sleeping on the ground next to a demolished church, find a taxi parked on the sidewalk with an armo blowing weed smoke out its open windows, watch a coyote hunt down a stray cat and be serenaded by a pigcopter, all while walking to the liquor store to get a blunt at 3am on a Wednesday.

MOST DOCTORS ARE AS USEFUL AS A ZIPPER ON A DILDO

Trying to resolve which is worse: 30 years of crippling depression followed by 3 years of relative euphoria and contentment or a life time of cycling (bi-polar) emotional moods.

THE SUICIDE NOTE LEFT BEHIND IS AN UNFLUSHED TOILET

dirt

is the

god

of this

cemetery

AN ABOVE GROUND POOL WHERE MY HEART IS SUPPOSED TO BE

Trying to resolve which is worse: being insane, like schizophrenic, and not knowing it or being sane while external people disprove your reality.

BAREFOOT IN BELL BOTTOM JEANS

FUCKING A

Today I was up on the mountain

(the one with the famous sign),

scouting a secluded area to play ball with my dog

while avoiding tourists and park rangers,

and came upon this thing.

It was moving across the path

in a rhythm

like slow motion water

falling horizontally.

So I got closer

then realized what it was

which was nothing like

any story or movie or picture.

And felt hopeful about life.

MAMMAL LONELINESS

In time, isolation, the inability to express their frustrations or repressed energies in a positive manner can have an effect on the mental and/or physical well-being of the dog.

COMPLACENCY IS THE DRIVEWAY WHICH HOUSES THE CINDER BLOCK FOUNDATION OF YOUR MANUFACTURED EGO

Feel angry right now.

Keep imagining myself as an armless fist floating in a pool of lavender piss.

Just curled.

Hostile.

It's like...

(Man, I shouldn't have to explain it.)

Every person I encounter in life should be angry about various things.

Tivo partitioning is not one of them.

Nor is the mistake of an incorrect starbucks' order.

Which Kardashian isn't an authentic Kardashian sure the fuck ain't.

Slogans are our new thoughts and anger is a dead emotion.

Fuck you.

PUSSY FARTS ARE THE NEW DISCO BALL

I WANT TO PRETEND TO BE A WOMAN FOR A NIGHT AND HAVE A SLUMBER PARTY

EXT. HOLLLYWOOD - FARMER'S MARKET - DAY

J

You look cute.

G

Aww, thanks.  You're nice.

J

I am not fucking nice.

G

Oh, okay.  You're sweet...

J

Haha, oh yeah?

G

Yeah, sweet like dick cheese.

***

INT. WEST HOLLYWOOD WHOLE FOODS - SOUP BUFFET

Actress who plays the coach on GLEE walks up behind G. to stare at her ass.

J

 Man, you got a heavy lesbian vibe today.  All these ladies keep checking you out.

G 

Really?

J

Heh, yep.  Really.

G

Why do you think that?

J

I dunno.  Your attire is very Lilith Fair.

G

(looking confused)

What's that?

J

Oh, it was a large lesbian festival in the nineties.  Sarah McLachlan always headlined.

G

I think I know what you're talking about... I really look like a lesbian though?

J

Hahaha

G 

(pouting)

I don't want to look like a lesbian!  I want to look cuuute.

STAR WARS IS FUCKING STUPID

I surmise people who are part of a "circle of friends" really enjoy that shitty Gotye song.

I'VE NEVER SEEN MY OWN EYES

First ladies who resemble ex-presidents:

Hillary Clinton

Ben Franklin

Nancy Reagan

Andrew Jackson

Pat Nixon

Martin Van Buren

Ladybird Johnson

John Adams

Barbara Bush

George Washington

JESUS DYING ON THE CROSS WHILE WEARING A PINK SUSAN G. KOMEN BRACELET

(A glimpse of clandestine heaven at 1:47)